1 Feb 2012
Guys, this Republican Party nomination thing is going to go on for awhile. Before South Carolina, Newt Gingrich had come in 4th in both Iowa & New Hampshire, and Mitt Romney had won Iowa. Now by virtue of handily winning South Carolina, Newt went from having zero delegates, to having 25, which gives him an unofficial 11 delegate lead over Mitt Romney, who apparently didn’t win Iowa after all.
All this for one guy who the media thought dead after Christmas, and the other one thought so unstoppable, I compared him to a train. Of course, since we’re down to four candidates, those once thought dead now get more chances courtesy of a media who desperately wants somebody to take a bath in Mitt Romney’s casket.
If you don’t remember what it was like in the days so long ago of November 2011, it was a dark and hilarious time for the Republican party. Rick Perry said “Oops,” Herman Cain was facing his Pimp past, and the media was kind of running out of people to promote against Romney. “What about Newt?” somebody said. “Nah, we already declared him dead when his staff left him back in June.” “Didn’t Jesus bring people back to life?” “Yeah… That’s it! Tell Brian Williams to tell Americans that Newt is surging in the polls!”
Naturally with the media push, Newt rose in the polls, gaining more with each debate performance, which he naturally excels at. People almost wanted to declare him the winner, but then people talked about Newt himself, instead of his rhetoric. The guy’s got so many skeletons in his closet that he’s had to buy up several storage units and currently keeps his clothes in various homes he stole from underprivileged families living in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans.
He’s had several wives, he resigned from his position of Speaker of the House, his consulting jobs are shady, his businesses are shady, and any guy who like Ronald Reagan THAT MUCH just can’t be trusted in my book. Seriously, contrary to popular opinion, Reagan did not cure cancer, give birth to Carrie Underwood, raise Abe Lincoln from the dead, bring back the Constitution from a soiled grave, or save Earth from an alien race while we weren’t looking. He was just a man. He wasn’t God. Speaking of which, if the Moon was a woman, Newt would leave his current wife and hook up with that Moon right away and do horrible, nasty things to it, which include planting his Moon Base all over that Moon by the end of his 2nd term.
But his crazy ideas and past aren’t even the why his poll numbers are about as erratic as the economy of the U.S. post Civil War (As in times of awesome prosperity that would quickly turn into horrible depressions which would turn again into awesome prosperity). No, the reason is that Newt keeps going “Newtlear.”
Going “Newtlear” is basically when Newt sends out an epic, devastating verbal tsunami designed to obliterate and kill everything in its path with such veracity that you can either applaud the man for his skill, or jeer him for going overboard. When he goes too far, his poll numbers drop like a rock as everybody runs away from the 68-year old porcupine for fear that his quills might be directed at them next. At this point, he’s reeled in, and so far, he’s come back every time even more fierce than before.
This helps Gingrich most in debates, when he’s either exposing Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper, or taking a question lobbed up by a liberal debate moderator, before taking said question and using it to stomp the moderator’s face in, splattering his remains all over the walls. This worked best when in the January 19th debate, when Newt responded to an opening question concerning an interview with one of his former wives:
That’s a “Newtlear” Bomb in its purest form. So much hatred, vitriol, chastising, contempt, etc, all wrapped up in one wonderfully-worded debate response. In fact, it’s already been called one of the most explosive moments in debate history, and rightly so. After viewing it several times already, I’m still knocked-back by its power. That bomb not only left everybody picking pieces of John King’s career and credibility off the floor and ceiling, but also Mitt Romney’s chances in South Carolina. Two days later, Gingrich laid waste to everybody in South Carolina.
A couple days later during the NBC debate, Gingrich seemed more subdued, and a few days after that, critics called his performance during another CNN debate Newt’s worst performance yet. Since the subdued Newt wasn’t working, he went Newtlear again, except in its worst form.
You see, back at the beginning of January, the reason Newt fell off the map to the degree he did because he was complaining about Romney’s onslaught of campaign ads attacking him, with Newt not having the money to respond back then. So since he couldn’t use cash and ads, he used his mouth and whined about it.
Trust me, this is the worst thing for a politician to do since nobody wants to hear rich White men complaining how they don’t have enough money to attack their opponent. Granted, Newt was on his way down there anyways due to lost momentum due to the Holiday season, but the whining sealed it. After a few weeks in timeout, South Carolina embraced the Newt that attacked the liberal media, not the one who was skewering his opponent from the same party.
Now, faced in a state that’s not so forgiving on his personal issues and a string of poor debate performances, Newt has made it clear that he has learned absolutely nothing and is making the same mistakes again.With Mitt Romney “carpet-bombing” Newt with ads, and after exiting a church, Newt railed against The Romster for 10 minutes, which is an ABSURD amount of time for an off-the-cuff speech after exiting a sermon about forgiveness. In response, Romney said that Newt was “Flailing” in the state, and that it was “sad.” By the way, even though he’s Catholic, Newt went to a Baptist church.
You’re right Romney, it is sad. Especially considering that if Newt only knew how to reign himself in, he’d actually have a very decent shot at getting the nomination. Santorum isn’t getting it, and Ron Paul sure as hell isn’t getting it, so it’s up to Newt to be that anti-Romney, while not being a wuss about it. That’s his challenge. And I somehow doubt he can live up to said challenge.
Tags: 2012 Election, cnn, conservative, controversy, election, elephant, florida, gingrich, going newtlear, iowa, john king, mitt romney, moon, moon base, newt gingrich, newtlear, politicians, republicans, rick perry, rick santorum, romney, ron paul, south carolina